Dear Traveller:

We know you have to go. We know you have to go bad. We know you haven't got a place of your own, nor a friend in the neighborhood! We know, too, about your limited budget and that you don't want to waste it buying a cafe latte or a bottled water every time you need to pee.

As part of our ongoing anti-tourism programme, we're continually searching for more ways to frustrate you. That's why we've placed large, gleaming, automatically self-cleaning—yet malfunctioning—green pee-receptacles all around the town. You'll recognize them by their classic San Francisco "kiosk" look and the helpful map on the outside. But don't let those maps fool you—we promise, there's nothing helpful about these toilets. Sure enough, the LCD screen by the door will direct you: "Ready! Press button to begin." And sure enough, as you might expect, pressing the button will initiate a dim growling sound inside, as if something has been actuated. But after 5 minutes of waiting, we promise the new readout will frustrate you: "Sorry! Out of service!"

You'll roam around the neighborhood, looking for a free bathroom, or an establishment such as a fueling station, that might offer you neighborly use of its scummy lou—but no! Not in San Francisco! Every local business proudly displays its angry handwritten sign: "Bathrooms for customers only," or "No public bathrooms. Sorry!" 100% frustration guaranteed.

With our love,

City of San Francisco